Friday, November 8, 2013

I have often heard the phrase “Life is fragile, handle with prayer”. We all know that this is a take off of “item is fragile, handle with care”. I sit hear at my dining room table, reading through the events of my friends lives on facebook, and at this moment I am quite honestly overcome with grief. A 30 year old friend has just suffered a stroke, they found a blood clot in her brain, so she is in surgery.  Another friend of mine’s dad (who is in his late 80‘s) is in open heart surgery to replace a valve, another friend of mine’s friend just lost their baby shortly after she was born and I could go on and on. I think of these mommies and daddies who are blessed with a child, and then (whether as a baby or an adult) certain trials begin to overwhelm and flood their lives. It can start with a simple diagnosis, or start with a major incident. In any case, their lives are never the same. Our lives are never the same. My life is never the same. 

Many people know our story, while others don’t. My little Abigail Faith (3 years old) and my baby David (7months old) are my two miracles. Not a day goes by that I am not reminded of God’s faithfulness. You see, I lost 3 babies before I ever had my children. They were 3 babies (that for whatever reason) God wanted with Him in heaven. I can remember after every miscarriage crying, sobbing and literally not being able to function for a while due to the amount of grief. Many people said things like “Oh, you are still so  young! You can still have another one”. One person even said that I had had an abortion because I had a DNC after we knew the baby had died. So many times I would look at these people and think “you have no idea what I am going through”. I can remember coming home after family events, or church events and looking at pet ads on Craigslist. I was even known for going into pet shops to look at pets. “Why” you might ask? Because my arms ached! They ached to hold my babies that I had lost, and they ached to hold the children that I hoped God had for me. They simply ached to be filled. If you have never gone through a loss of a child or a miscarriage you are blessed and I am grateful for the mercy God has shown you. If you have, then I am sure some of this is echoing your words and thoughts and may sound all too familiar.  

We lost our 1st baby the weekend of our 1st wedding anniversary. We lost our 2nd baby the weekend of our 2nd Anniversary and we lost our 3rd baby the week after Thanksgiving. What were supposed to be incredible and memorable celebrations instead, became a time of grief, sorrow, despair and even anger. We really don’t know what God is doing sometimes as much as we would like answers. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I would drive around aimlessly, trying to figure out what God was doing. And even though I knew He was there, listening and that He would eventually respond, I kept hearing silence. I am not sure what’s worse, silence by the other person in a conversation or them yelling in your ear. I am sure it depends on the situation, but for me , I simply wanted answers, and bottom explanation!! “God, you know how much I want to be a mom, and want to have children, so WHY WHY WHY do you keep allowing the ones I conceived die”. There was still those moments of silence until one day it dawned on me, and it was in a moment of silence. God whispered. Not a whisper that I could literally hear, but a whisper for me. He said, “”Be Still”. Be still???? Be Still?? BE STILL???? REALLY??? Could He give me a better answer than that????Sure He could have, but He didn’t. Why? I honestly (at that moment) couldn’t tell you why. But here I am 3 years later with my answer to why He told me to “Be Still”. You see God doesn’t waste a moment of our lives. He doesn’t waste an event, a heartache, a success, a dream come true, a dream lost. He just doesn’t waste a bit of it. He reminded me of that by telling me to “be still”. You see, it’s that “be still” that is hard in our every busy and busseling world. But if you complete the verse it says “Be still and KNOW that I am God”. See, it’s not until you complete it that it can really have an even deeper meaning. I could have just been still and grieved and cried my eyes out all the time and questioned God during my miscarriages, but if I had not completed what the verse said, then my faith would not have grown, I would not have grown, and I would have missed out on what God had for me, and for what He wanted to teach me. 

To some my thoughts would seem harsh, cruel or even thoughtless, but here is a reality that must be acknowledged. If God hadn’t allowed my 3 babies to be taken into Heaven with Him, I would never have my Abby or my baby David. It’s when I see my children sitting in the back seat laughing together, or hear my daughter pray at night before she goes to bed, or feel my son’s very drooly kisses on my cheek that I am reminded by God’s ever the same voice saying “.... KNOW that I am God”. It seems that my children remind me of God’s unconditional love, faithfulness, and mercy to me. Because of the losses, I cherish the treasures even more. 

So as I read these articles or updates about loved ones of parents or children, I travel back into a time of remembering what happened to my unborn children, and what was happening to me as a parent losing a child, and I weep with those who weep and celebrate with those who have reason to celebrate. See, God is still in the middle of it weaving the moments of the day into the story of your life, your history, your legacy.  You never know what is going to happen down the road and how today is going to impact your tomorrows, but God does and His is the ever perfect plan.